Forgiven, Not Forgotten

"You're forgiven, not forgotten..." - The Corrs, Forgiven Not Forgotten

In almost 25 years of my [so-called] exsitence, I can say that I've only been really angry (and I'm talking here about that ugly vine of hatred that crawls up on you and threatens to take over better judgement and, worse, the conscience.) twice. One was during college (sorry to disappoint you, but I won't be spilling out on this one.) and the last time was sometime 4 years ago (now this one you're gonna hear about).

Inasmuch as I would like to spill the juicy details about the guy (yes, it's that 'guy thing' again), there's nothing much to tell except that he was a mestizo from Pangasinan who pursued his intentions to me and my family, and everything then became rosy...well, ALMOST. Happy ending could've easily followed, except that God had other plans. See, the week after our third date that ended with him having dinner with me and my family at our house (geez, what is it with third dates???), I accidentally met his cousin who happened to be an acquaintance of my former boss then. It was when I learned that the jerk had a girlfriend that time who happened to look a LOT like me. For a while, the realization hit me like hilarity being poured ice-cold on my head.; and then it finally sinked in and off I was to the ladies' room for some major sob fest. The rest, I'm pretty sure you know, was history.

God, how I hated him. I hated him, not because he deceived me, but because the guy actually had the nerve to deceive my family. My mom treated him well and welcomed him warmly in our home. He'd have dinner at our house, talk with my mom and cousin, and he was a perfect gentleman. Or so he may have seemed to be. He apologized profusely after the truth was out. Of course, apologizing was the only logical and reasonable thing he could have done. It even came to a point where he promised to break off his relationship with the girl just to be with me, without me even asking him to do so. Moreover, I had to endure the hostility of his cousin towards me. THAT and everything else added up to the hatred I felt then for the guy.

And then last night, after countless efforts of apologizing, he sent me a message via Friendster, saying for the nth time that he was [truly] sorry for the things he's done and that he'd be happy if I'd accept the truce he was offering and become friends again. And for a while, I thought it would be an increment to the nth time that I'll ignore his effort and send his message straight into the trash bin. But tonight somehow it was different. I thought that maybe it wasn't worth all the anger anymore; that despite the mess he made, something wonderful came into the picture where he left off - Max. Max was my ex-boyfriend, and even if things didn't work out between us, the memories were all worth keeping. Ok, enough about Max. Yeah, I guess I pretty much forgave the person and moved on from that messy series of my life.
BUT...

I may have forgiven him for the deceit and lies he's done, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten the act itself. I can't shake the feeling of humility because at that time, I couldn't even look at my mom in the eye because I was the one who introduced a guy who deceived me and my family. That's why friendship is something I can no longer offer, at least not for now and not anytime soon. Call me cynical, but that is how I am. Friendship equates to trust (at least in my vocabulary) and once broken, it can never be the same again.

I replied to his message, saying that I've forgiven him but that friendship is not an option for the two of us now. I also wished him well and hoped that he has moved on just as I did. Finally, I asked him to not send me any more messages like that; I've forgiven him and that's enough. Everything will eventually fall into place, in God's own time.